New Baby, Big Feelings: A Psychologist’s Tips for Parents

Congratulations, you’re welcoming a new member of the family, but don’t know how your eldest will adjust? 

I once read that to a child, bringing home a new sibling is like bringing home a new partner. Imagine trying to explain to your partner that this new person is going to live with us, sleep in my bed and occupy lots of my attention? Naturally, it’s understandable that they may have mixed feelings about it. 

As we have recently added another member to our family, I thought I’d share the research I’ve tried and tested! I encourage you to adapt any of these ideas to suit your child’s age and personality.

I find it helpful to break down this topic in three stages:

(1) PREPARATION: 

Like any big change, preparation is vital to get your child used to the idea of a new sibling and their new role. Some things you can do:

• Start with media: I am a big believer in exploring ideas through books, videos and movies. Using media to discuss scary or unknown experiences can be a gentle way to introduce something new and normalise the changes and challenges that could arise. Find a book that balances the mixed feelings about becoming a new sibling and the practicalities of having a baby in the house. For young kids, I love ‘I’m a big sister’ and ‘I’m a big brother’ by Joanna Cole. 

• Find opportunities to talk about siblings and babies: the most powerful teaching tools we have are modelling what we want to see and linking real life challenges to things we experience or we witness others experiencing. I would often make comments when we see a baby crying “ahh that baby is trying to tell their mama something” or “Jake and Jordan are brothers, and soon you’ll have a brother too!” 

• Engage in play: I find that having a baby doll, along with a bottle, bath, clothes and a bed with a blanket can be a great place to see how your child is feeling about their new sibling. Start by having all the play items available and sitting down to play with your child. Follow their lead. Don’t correct or tell your child what to do. All you need to do is comment on what they are doing and join in if they include you! (This is harder than it sounds!!)

  • If they don’t engage with the play, try again another time or leave it available for them to get it themselves later. 

  • If they try to hurt the baby by throwing, hitting or otherwise try not to stop them unless they are hurting themselves, others or destroying something. This is merely their way of expressing how they are feeling and does not mean they want to hurt their sibling. All you need to do is comment on what they are doing like ‘oh you’re throwing the baby in the bin’ ‘now the baby is getting hit by the blocks’. You can also use humour to playfully tickle the doll, give a big squeezy hug or dance with it.

  • Role play: play families letting your child decide who is the parent and who is the baby. Generally, if they want to be the parent they might want to explore some control in their new role or if they want to be the baby, they might be wanting to be looked after. 

(2) INTRODUCTIONS

When your new baby comes home, it can be helpful to be guided by your child. If they want to hold them, show them how to. When they’re ready to put them down, place them down safely. Get them to be as involved as possible.

Here are my 5 top tips:

1. Let the baby know when you’re busy with your child - I’ll often say ‘hang on baby, I’m just with your sister’ to let my child know that I won’t just abruptly leave them because the baby cries. 

2. Find space for special 1:1 time - research suggests that 15 minutes of child-led play can help them feel valued and unconditionally loved. If you have 15 minutes a day, every few days or every week, whatever you can manage makes a world of difference to their cooperation and safeguards against resentment towards you or the baby. 

3. Get them involved - give your child a role when you’re feeding, changing or settling your baby. Maybe you need a burp buddy or a book reader, or a performer to entertain your baby. If your child loves taking photos, get them to be your photographer, which is also a great way to get some (probably blurry) pictures with your new baby.

4. Never blame the baby - if you’re sleep deprived or don’t have the capacity to go out (let’s be honest with a newborn it’s tough!) avoid saying it’s because of the baby that your child is missing out. Instead of “we have to stay home to look after the baby” you might say “I’m tired today, let’s have a pyjama day!”

5. Make note of the little things - point out when your baby or child are interacting beautifully. I often say things like “oh he’s smiling at you” “your sister knows how to make you laugh” “he’s trying to hold your hand” or “look, he loves looking at his big sister”. This helps your child start building their own relationship with the baby and start reading their cues. 

(3) MANAGING CHALLENGES 

Like any big change, challenges can (and will) come up. Maybe your child is feeling upset losing your attention (which is completely natural by the way!), tries to hit or hurt the baby or they start testing boundaries while you are busy. Navigating this is tricky and will look different for every family, but in general keep in mind:

• Redirect when you can – if your child is climbing on top of you, demanding you pick them up or seems a bit careless (this could include kissing them on the mouth) around the baby, instead of saying ‘no’ or ‘stop’ try redirecting them to something else. Climbing on top of you? Ask them to bring a toy you can play together. Wanting to be picked up? Go snuggle on the couch together. Kissing bubs on the mouth? Show them how to kiss them on their hand or tummy.

• Say YES to the feelings, NO to the behaviour – This is for our kiddos that can become aggressive or trying to hurt the baby. Credit to Lael Stone who coined this phrase, which I absolutely love! We can have boundaries with our kids whilst still showing empathy for how they’re feeling. It could sound like “I know you’re upset/angry but I can’t let you hit the baby. But I’m here to help you with whatever you need”.

• Model empathy early – our kids are always watching how we handle situations, so the best way to teach them is to show them! One strategy I use a lot at home is to show empathy when the baby is crying – I might do this by doing a sad face to my toddler, expressing verbally ‘oh baby you’re sad’ ‘oh darling, you’re having a hard time’ and then show how to respond empathically, like using a soft touch, giving them a hug or just sitting together for a while. I also do this when my other child is upset too so they can see this is how we respond to people who are upset. Doing this consistently can dramatically improve your child’s response to each other’s emotions!

• Get support when you can – having other adults spending 1:1 time with your child whilst your baby needs more of your time can be a great way to get respite as well as meeting your child’s genuine need for attention.

Helping your child adjust to a new sibling means preparing them emotionally, maintaining connection, and supporting them through the big changes in family life. If you need any support, reach out to us at Innerbloom Psychology.