Why Telling Our Kids to Say Sorry Isn’t Enough: The Power of Modeling and Allowing Them to Choose How to Repair

As parents, we’ve all been there—our child has hurt someone, whether it’s a friend, a sibling, or even us, and the instinct is to ask them to immediately say “sorry.” We believe it’s an important part of teaching empathy, taking responsibility, and helping them learn social rules. After all, saying sorry is a common way we resolve conflicts and show remorse.

But what if we told you that simply telling your child to apologize might not be as effective as we think? In fact, forcing a child to say sorry, especially if they don’t truly understand why, could actually undermine the learning process.

In this blog, we’ll explore why modeling respectful behavior and giving children the space to decide how to repair the situation can be more effective in teaching empathy and accountability.

1. A Forced Apology Often Lacks Sincerity

As adults, we know that an apology means little if it’s said without genuine feeling. The same goes for children. When we instruct a child to say sorry, it can sometimes feel like a mere formality rather than a true expression of empathy.

For example, imagine telling your child to apologize to a friend after accidentally knocking over their toy. If they don’t feel sorry, or they don’t understand why their actions affected the other person, the apology can come across as hollow. This doesn’t give them the opportunity to reflect on their behavior or feel remorse for it. Instead of learning from the experience, the apology becomes an automatic, transactional response.

Rather than saying, “Say sorry,” try focusing on modeling empathy and allowing your child to express themselves in their own way.

2. Repairing Relationships Requires More Than Words

Saying “sorry” is just one part of the process of repairing a relationship. Apologies alone don’t necessarily change the behavior or repair the hurt caused. It’s important to encourage children to consider what actions might help restore the relationship in a meaningful way.

For example, after a conflict, instead of immediately prompting your child to apologize, you can ask questions like:

• “How do you think your friend feels right now?”

• “What do you think would help make them feel better?”

• “Is there something you can do to help fix this?”

These questions help children reflect on the impact of their actions and consider how to repair the situation in a way that is thoughtful and genuine. It gives them the opportunity to take responsibility for their behavior without simply offering a quick verbal fix.

3. Modeling Empathy and Responsibility

Children learn best through modeling, meaning they are more likely to mirror the behaviors they observe in the people around them. When you show genuine empathy for others, your child learns how to empathize with others. When you model how to repair a situation with kindness, your child learns how to do the same.

For example, if you make a mistake in front of your child (like raising your voice in frustration) and take responsibility by saying, “I shouldn’t have raised my voice. I’ll try to speak more kindly next time,” your child is learning that it’s okay to make mistakes, but it’s important to acknowledge and repair them thoughtfully.

By modeling how to recognize the impact of our actions, apologize meaningfully, and take steps to correct our mistakes, you give your child the tools they need to do the same.

4. Encouraging Emotional Awareness and Accountability

When children are allowed to repair a situation on their own terms, it fosters a deeper understanding of their own emotions and actions. Instead of simply being told to say sorry, they are given the space to feel remorse, think critically about what went wrong, and come up with an appropriate way to make amends.

For example, if a child takes a toy from a sibling, instead of immediately telling them to apologize, you might say, “I noticed you took your sister’s toy without asking. How do you think she feels?” This gives the child a chance to process their own feelings, reflect on the situation, and choose how they might repair the situation, whether it’s returning the toy, asking for permission, or offering to play together.

This approach encourages self-reflection and helps children build the emotional vocabulary needed to express themselves in a constructive way.

5. Giving Children the Opportunity to Make Things Right

Children, like adults, need the autonomy to decide how they want to repair a relationship. When they’re given the chance to choose how to make things right, it empowers them to take ownership of their actions.

Let’s say your child accidentally hurt a friend’s feelings by interrupting them while they were speaking. Instead of forcing an apology, give your child the opportunity to figure out what to do:

• “I noticed your friend seemed upset when you interrupted. What do you think might help make them feel better?”

• “What do you think is the best way to show that you care?”

This allows children to take the lead in understanding the situation and repairing the relationship in a way that feels authentic to them.

By encouraging this problem-solving approach, you’re helping your child develop crucial life skills, such as conflict resolution, empathy, and self-regulation.

6. Building Stronger, More Authentic Relationships

When children learn to repair relationships on their own, they don’t just understand the importance of apologies, but also the importance of actions. They learn that healthy relationships are built on more than just words. They require effort, understanding, and care.

Over time, this builds stronger, more authentic connections with others. Children who feel empowered to repair conflicts in a meaningful way are more likely to develop a sense of empathy and self-responsibility, both of which are vital for social success and emotional intelligence.

Conclusion: The Power of Modeling and Allowing Children to Decide How to Repair

While telling our children to say sorry may seem like the easiest way to resolve a conflict, it’s important to recognize that true learning happens when we model respectful behavior and give our children the freedom to reflect and repair relationships in their own way.

Instead of focusing solely on the words “sorry,” let’s help our children understand the deeper significance of taking responsibility, repairing harm, and acting with empathy. By creating an environment where children can explore these emotions and behaviors on their own terms, we give them the tools they need to become emotionally intelligent, empathetic individuals who understand the importance of thoughtful and meaningful apologies.

So next time your child makes a mistake, try taking a step back and allowing them the space to decide how they want to make things right. You might just be surprised at the deep insights and emotional growth that emerge in the process.